[The bridge of the Satellite of Love. The Love Theme plays. The robots are gathered around a table which is covered with papers, books, and dice. They are wearing black capes.]

Crow: Botch!

[The doors open and Mike Nelson walks in. The robots take no notice of him.]

Mike: Hi! I'm Mike Nelson. Welcome to the Satellite of Love. These are my robots: Gypsy, Tom Servo, and Crow T. Robot.

the cast and crew

Hi, guys!

[The robots ignore him.]

Mike: Hey guys. What are you doing?

Tom: Oh! We're playing a fascinating game called Vampire: The MasqueradeTM. We pretend to be vampires, Gypsy makes up situations, and we have to say how our vampire would react to them. I'm Lord Byron de Lestatula, a fourth-generation kindred of the Clan Toreador. My sire was Kimbos the Old, and I have the powers of preternatural Celerity, Bull Fighting, and Walking in Beauty Like the Night.

Mike: Wow! That's pretty impressive. How about you, Crow?

Crow: My name is Jerry, Mike.

Mike: [Confused] Just Jerry?

Crow: Yup. That's me. Jerry the Vampire.

Mike: Okay. So, How did you become a vampire... um... Jerry?

Crow: Well, I just woke up one day and said, "I'm a Vampire!"

Mike: So what are Jerry and Lord Byron doing now?

Tom: Right now, Lord Byron de Lestatula and Jerry are investigating a lost castle that may contain a clue as to the whereabouts of a scrap of paper once touched by an Antedeluvian!

Mike: That sounds cool. So this is like Dungeons&Dragons?

[Tom and Crow turn to glare at Mike.]

Tom: Yeah. Right, Mike.

Crow: What do we look like to you? A bunch of snot-nosed little geeks? Sheesh!

Mike: Ah... well... I... Bobo

[Lights flash, indicating an incoming call.]

Mike: Oh, look! It's Bilbo and the dwarves calling.

[Bobo appears on screen.]

Bobo: Hello, Nelson!

Mike: Where's Mrs. F?

Bobo: The Lawgiver is not here right now. She's punishing the brain guy.

Mike: What did he do?

Bobo: He returned this week's experiment to Blockbuster, mistaking it for Eight Minute Abs. Ho ho! That will cost the Lawgiver a pretty penny in late fees.

Crow: No movie this week, guys!

Mike and robots: Yeah!!!

Pearl and Observer

[Pearl Forrester walks up behind Bobo, clad in a PVC, dominatrix dress. She is leading the Observer by a rope around his neck. Bobo yelps in surprise as she pushes him off screen.]

Pearl: Not so fast, Nelson the Barbarian. Thanks to Brains of Tapioca here, I don't have a movie to torture you with.

[She yanks on the rope, causing the Observer to fall down out of view.]

Tom: And there was much rejoicing.

Mike and robots: Yeah!!!

Pearl: Don't think I'll let you off that easily. I do have a piece of early 80's dribble from that paragon of paranoia, Jack T. Chick. Think impressionable young minds. Think global satanic conspiracy. Think of pain as I give you...

Dark Dungeons!

[The movie sign lights up, and sirens sound.]

Mike: Movie sign!

Tom: Tract Sign!

Crow: Track Lighting?

[Everyone runs around, heading in the direction of the theater.]

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