the Obfuxicon

the by P.D. Magnus	airline n. a business concerned with projecting plane geometry into three dimensions. analytic truth n. a prize awarded to the philosopher who begs the greatest number of questions. blame n. 1. an ethereal substance which accrues to causes. 2. a crop sewn by everyday people and harvested by lawyers. CDevious adj. 1. presenting shoddy or degraded content in a digital format with hopes that some of the format's clarity will rub off on it; as in: "AOL sent me another CDevious coaster." 2. providing small amounts of content in a large-capacity format so as to make the meager content swell by the relation. also DVDevious chimera n. a wretched creature that subsists on cheap fantasy novels and the problem of non-referring terms. confabulous adj. 1. such that any words of praise for it are extravagant lies; as in: "Although a critic with a taste for irony might call the performance remarkable, the staging original, and the script unprecedented, I think it will suffice to say that this show was truly confabulous." 2. too good to be true. [confab(ulation) + (fab)ulous] crapwerk n. 1. the production of something which unnecessarily creates more work for other people. 2. the product so produced. Cf. notwerk n. work that has to be done only on account of crapwerk; as in "I updated the files, but it took several hours of notwerk. Peoplesoft is such crapwerk that navigating the menu structure is like finding an invisible goat in a labyrinth." criticism n. observation with teeth. digitocracy n. 1. technocracy. 2. government by the numbers. 3. rule by people with the longest fingers. dizzogg v.t. to insert the phoneme 'zz' into words, so as to sound gansta'. Inversion of 'r' and 'l' phonemes may also occur; e.g. 'for sure' dizzogged to 'fer shizzle.' [Formed by dizzogging the moniker of rapper Snoop Dogg, who popularized the practice.] dot-communism n. the belief that the Internet, once the great hope of democracy, has been coopted by businesses making money on the web. education n. the practice of filling small containers to capacity while fully aware that the contents will settle during shipping. effstark v. 1. to write profane words with punctuation in place of some of the letters. [From a literal pronunciation of 'fck'.] 2. to write a string of punctuation in lieu of actual profanities, as in a comic strip. epiphobia n. the doctrine that fear has no causal influence but is caused by the configuration of material things. evitable adj. deducible from the lyrics of Don't Cry for Me, Argentina. f'- prefix 1. given some adjective x, f'x means well and truly x* or beyond x; common examples include f'huge adj. really, really big f'insane adj. quite mad 2. given some noun y, f'y means y. [Exact origin unknown. Some sources suggest that it may be a vulgar form of the mathematical formula f(x) where f is some ampliative function.] fallacy n. a tautology for the want of indefensible premises. fatalism n. the doctrine that nothing is evitable. It may be proven thus: It is apparent that it is too late to do anything about the past. Objectively speaking, there is no difference between the past and the future; today is tomorrow's yesterday, and so on. Therefore, it is too late to do anything about the future. Conversely, it may be disproven thus: Tomorrow is another day. If I make a hash of this argument, there is hope that I will have better luck with another. Mutatis mutandis, if I make a hash of today there is hope that I will have better luck tomorrow. fish n. a meal which we are reminded by educators not to give a man in lieu of an education. flagpole n. an artifact believed by some primitive tribes to cause, along with its shadow, the progression of the sun across the sky. fnadnikt adj. improved by a process of benign neglect; as in: "The door's jammed, but if we climb in the window it'll be fnadnikt by morning." [Yiddishesque; the counterpart to the Yiddish farpotchket, ruined by a botched process of repair or improvement.] free will n. a transcendental power which, although it is master of the future, seems ill-equipped to deal with the present. fustian bargain n. the devil of academic writing, by which a long parade of filigreed words are made to do work that could be done just as well by a few well-chosen plain ones. to strike a f.b. v. to publish impenetrable monsters of prose, securing modest fame and fortune at the expense of one's soul. garbage disposal n. a food processor with an exhaust port. gedanken experiment n. an experiment introduced into an argument, the performance of which would refute the point that the experiment was introduced to prove. gevlemdeschlicht n. the feeling you get when you cannot stop eating but you know that if you keep eating you will get sick. [Yiddishesque] hand-waving adj. 1. exhibiting a form of mathematical proof akin to legerdemain. -n. 2. a method employed by philosophers to resolve disputes. When it proves inefficacious, it may escalate into reiteration and table-thumping. HTMLiorate v.t. to make better or more satisfactory by posting to the web. iKu n. a verse form consisting of 17 syllables running at 233 megahertz; pictured at right. [This is a dated relic of the late 20th century. The clock speed puts it before the flurry of fruit and pastel colored Macintoshes, when the iMac only came in Bondi Blue. There was only one colour, and we liked it that way.] imagination n. memory for things that never happened. ipsiverbicognoscenti n. the group of people who know what this word means. interesting adj. slang. involving an increase in debt; as in: "The bank made me an interesting offer." The financially-minded Chinese thus consider it a curse to wish of someone that they live in interesting times. [a shortened form of the gerundive phrase "accumulating interest"?] lexivize also lexivide, v.t. to look up a word or phrase in the dictionary. [lexi(con) + vide] lexivision n. vocabulary; as in: "When it came to after-dinner conversation, Superman's x-ray vision was no match for Luthor's lexivision." life n. the gap between two abysses. [the origins of life are uncertain; it is likely a development from "principalis ius"] linguannihilate v.t. to translate to another language and back, esp. for the purpose of promoting confusion and by means of an automated translation algorithm. lobster n. a form of edible sea life distinguished from the edible fishes in that more pleasure can be derived from dismembering it than from eating it. locucide n. the act of killing a conversation, as by introducing a necrolocutous topic. locucidal, adj. logic n. 1. the art of stating the obvious in such a way that its obviousness seems profound. 2. symbolic logic a game played between logicians in which each player begins with some number of connectives (for instance: 3 v's, 12 &'s, and alpeph-naught ~'s). Play proceeds according to the rules of inference, and the player with the maximally consistent number of points at the end of play is proven to valid. love n. lust with manners. monologue n. 1. dialogue with a broken leg. 2. low-fidelity recording of the captain's report. Contrast stereologue. music n. the jingle of my coins and the jolly song I sing when I am drunk; c.f. racket the base clink of your coins and so on. neapolitan adj. pertaining to a flavour of ice cream which, like the holy trinity, is three in one. necrolocutous adj. of a topic, having the tendency to cause death of conversation. obfuxicon n. 1. a list of words of a language and neologisms usu. arranged alphabetically with erroneous information about their meanings, etymologies, etc.; for instance Ambrose Bierce's The Devil's Dictionary. 2. any aid in misunderstanding or encouragement to use words in nonstandard ways. [obfu(scatory) + (le)xicon] original sin n. the doctrine that we are all guilty until presumed innocent. perfection n. 1. a state, the relentless pursuit of which is seen as a virtue by employers and as a vice by competitors. 2. a much disputed attribute of God, consisting of qualities which could be clearly conceived by early philosophers but have since become occult. Like ice cream, it came in many flavours. more perl n. the result of an oyster or programmer being irritated in a productive manner. philosophy n. 1. the art of stating falsehoods in such a way that they seem logical. See logic. 2. a discipline that its practitioners describe by metaphor. For instance, an activity concerned with playing tour guide for flies. Alternately, an orphanage in which an area of study spends its formative years, but which is forgotten when the discipline finds gainful employment; of its roomers, only metaphysics seems unable to find a job suitable to its talents. pragmatism n. 1. mercenary philosophy. 2. the doctrine that the only things which are real are those which can bite you in the ass. Contrast: phenomenalism n. the doctrine that the only thing which is real is getting bitten in the ass. realism n. the doctrine that if there is biting, then there have to be teeth. promise v. to lie with the best of intentions. pub n. a facility where patrons convert money into urine, consuming pretzels in the interim. Proximas n. whatever December holiday you celebrate, whenever you celebrate it. [proxy + (Chirst)mas; alternately, (ap)proxi(mate) + mas(s gathering)] quid pro quid n. a tautological transaction carried out wherever things are in Latin. raven n. a bird which philosophers, with some hesitation, think of as black. See swan. rhetoric n. the art of practicing philosophy in such a way that it seems unphilosophical. See philosophy. roomer n. a lodger who avoids paying rent by spreading scurrilous lies; as in: "The roomers of my debt are greatly exagerrated." ruminous adj. meditative, ponderous [rumin(ate) + ous] skeptickle v.t. to force someone to laugh by means of doubting their existence. squat n. 1. a formula utilizing the variables S and T, which instructs that the value of S be understood as the value of T. [from the Latin] 2. a deed of distinction performed by tramps, lay abouts, and consultants. Consider: I don't do squat. Most people don't get paid for squat. So it only makes sense that I get paid for what I do. sukdictionary n. an obfuxicon. [from the Arabic suk, meaning marketplace, and the Eng. dictionary; hence a list of words for the marketplace, vulgar words] swan n. a bird which philosophers prefer not to think of as white. See raven. technocracy n. rule by people who can program their VCR's. tithe v. to throw god money after bad. tortoise n. a ponderous animal who outraces the Hare by persistence and Achilles by paradox. utopiary n. the ideal shrubbery. virtual memory n. knowing where in the library to relearn something you've forgotten. work n. a failure of procrastination.
	The Obfuxicon and its contents are ©1998-2005 by P.D. Magnus. You are encouraged to use the words in conversation, such that they worm their way into ordinary discourse.