[On the bridge. Tom and Mike are relaxing after the tract.]

Tom: Mike, I'm confused.

Mike: Yeah, twisted logic does that to everyone. What can I help you with?

Tom: Well, it starts in a well-lit room with some kids playing a good-natured game, then we switch to witches who do little worse than hang out and wear bathrobes, and we end with Tom Skerritt in a loose adaption of The Crucible. So my question is: What was I supposed to learn?

[Crow enters. He is wearing a black, pointed hat.]

Crow: I don't know about you, but Chick taught me that witches rock! They get to fight zombies, wear cool clothes, hang out with Ms. Frost, and engage in mind bondage.

Mike: Witches aren't really like that at all. Neither are D&D players, for that matter.

Tom: So we should be like Tom Skerritt, become born again, and burn things!

Mike: No, Tom. Most Christians aren't really like that either. Neither is Tom Skerritt.

Crow: [Knocks off his hat.] Well, now I'm confused. What are we supposed to believe in?

Mike: Well, that most people believe in worshipping the being that gave them life. Also, to treat people who believe in something else with dignity and respect.

Tom: But Mike, you give us life. Well, you and the power grid on Deck 11.

Mike: Worship me, then!

[Lights flash, indicating an incoming call. Pearl, Bobo, and the Observer appear on the viewscreen. Pearl, still in the PVC suit, has both Bobo and the Observer in chains.]

Mike: Oh look. It's Jason and the Argonuts.

Pearl: Well, Nelson, you've managed to survive another experiment. When I finish with these two, though, I'll be back with more. I'm sure I have a copy of Watchtower around here somewhere.

[Theme music begins. Fade to black.]

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Mystery Science Theater 3000 ©1999,2000 Best Brains. Dark Dungeons ©1984 Chick Publications.